Divorce can be traumatic for children. However, there are ways you can help to reduce the stress they might feel throughout the legal process — and after the proceedings have concluded. It’s important to take the time to understand divorce from your child’s perspective to help them develop a positive outlook on the future. By stepping into their shoes, taking a child-centered approach, and prioritizing their best interests, you can minimize the emotional impact of divorce.

How Do Children Perceive Divorce?

A child’s perspective of divorce will largely depend upon their age and level of maturity. For instance, a four year old will view their parents’ breakup very differently from a 12 year old or 17 year old. While pre-schoolers are too young to understand the meaning of divorce, they may be fearful that they will lose both their parents. In contrast, elementary-aged children may be angry with one or both parents and have difficulty adjusting. Or an older child could feel a sense of relief or clarity if there has been conflict or strange energy between their parents that was not discussed.

Regardless of age, a child will experience a wide range of emotions when they find out their parents are parting ways. They may feel anger, hurt, confusion, sadness, grief, and guilt — younger children might also have emotions that they don’t know how to identify and simply act out. Often, children feel anxiety about the changes to come. They may be frightened about how the divorce will affect their relationship with their parents and their living situation.

In addition, children may feel a sense of loss due to the changes in the family structure. They might blame themselves for their parents’ divorce and assume a responsibility for bringing them back together. Children also tend to worry about where they will be going to school, struggle with loyalty conflicts, and hope for reconciliation. No matter how your child perceives your divorce, it’s important to help them develop healthy coping skills.

How Can You Help Your Child Through Divorce?

It’s best to break the news of divorce to your children with your spouse, if possible, with a unified narrative. This can help your children feel more secure and show them that you are a unified front. Hearing about the divorce from both parents can also convey stability and reassure the children that each parent will continue to care for them even though they have parted ways. Be sure to explain the divorce in an age-appropriate way and use language your child can understand. Keep the explanations simple — while you should be honest with your children, you should not discuss the reasons your marriage ended with them or bring them into adult problems. It is highly recommended that you do not say that the divorce is not their fault, because it introduces the idea of fault that they might not have been thinking about. It is like saying, “don’t think about a white elephant” makes someone actually think about a white elephant.

Here are some other ways you can help your child through the divorce process:

• Try to keep your child’s routine the same
• Be open and honest with your child in an age appropriate way
• Encourage your child to talk about their feelings and think about getting them a therapist for a period of time.
• Reassure your children that both parents still love them
• Do not badmouth the other parent in front of the child
• Do not discuss your issues with the other parent in front of the child
• Have ongoing conversations with your child, check in with them
• Normalize their feelings and communicate that it is hard for you as well without going into details
• Work with your co-parent to create a supportive environment for the child
• Do not use your child as a messenger with the other parent
• Encourage your child to participate in activities that allow them to express their emotions

It’s crucial to look out for any signs of distress in your child due to the divorce. Younger children may become uncooperative or exhibit behavioral problems. Older children may experience depression, have difficulty forming close relationships, or face academic issues. If you notice that your children are having difficulty adjusting, a mental health professional or family relations specialist can provide critical guidance and help ensure you meet your child’s needs.

How a Family Specialist Can Help

Whether you divorce using mediation, the collaborative process, litigation — or you are using unbundled legal services to draft a custody agreement — a family specialist can help you understand your child’s perspective on divorce. They can provide you with support to address your child’s needs, work with you to develop a parenting plan, help you create a plan for telling the kids, and assist you with communicating with your child effectively. You can also give your child the opportunity to meet with a family specialist so they can feel heard in the process rather than it simply happening to them. The family specialist does not ask the inappropriate question of “who do you want to live with,” but rather can gather information from them about areas of concern and things that they want parents to know. The family specialist can then have a feedback session with the parents about what they learned from their time with the child. By being the voice for your children, they can educate you about the implications of divorce on your child’s development and help you find ways to lessen the effects.

A family specialist takes a problem-solving approach when it comes to parenting time and related matters. Rather than allow you and your spouse to focus on conflict, they can assist you with finding creative solutions. Importantly, they can help you navigate the emotional complexities of divorce and put the best interests of your children first and foremost.

Contact an Experienced Minnesota Divorce and Family Law Attorney

If you are going through divorce, a knowledgeable divorce and family law attorney can help you understand divorce from your child's perspective and ensure their best interests are met. At The Law Shop Minnesota, attorneys Louise Livesay and Peter Ladwein are committed to helping families across Minnesota resolve divorce and family law matters with respect, clarity, and compassion. They can provide referrals to to experienced family specialists as well.

Louise Livesay has over twenty years of experience guiding families in the Twin Cities and greater Minnesota through peaceful, out-of-court resolutions. Whether you’re exploring collaborative divorce, mediation, or unbundled legal services, we’re here to support you with flexible, client-centered options.

Peter Ladwein is passionate about protecting families and their legacies. With firsthand experience with a special needs family member, Peter brings a deeply personal understanding to his legal practice. Peter is licensed to serve clients across Minnesota and Illinois.

To schedule a consultation—either in person or via Zoom, anywhere in Minnesota—please contact us online or call (651) 344-6100.