Most divorcing parents are, understandably, concerned about the impact that the divorce will have on their children, including their emotional development and their future relationships. You may worry that your children may feel helpless and afraid in the wake of your divorce.
Divorce can be hard on children, just as it can on parents. But challenges can also present an opportunity for growth, if they are handled properly. Raising strong children involves teaching them resilience, independence, and how to navigate challenging relationship dynamics. A divorce is fertile ground for these lessons, especially with the guidance of adults committed to working together for the sake of their children. Here are some time-tested co-parenting tips for raising strong children.
Raising children to feel capable and empowered starts with a foundation of security. If you and your co-parent model civility and mutual respect in your interactions with one another, it will reassure your child that they are safe and that you are both focused on their well-being. They won’t have to choose sides or walk on eggshells; they can be at ease.
It should go without saying that you should avoid speaking negatively about the other parent in your child’s hearing range; after all, the other parent is a part of your child, too. Hearing parents speak angrily or contemptuously about each other is bad for your child’s self-esteem.
You have strong feelings about the changes in your life, and your child does, too. It’s important to listen to them when they speak and respond thoughtfully to them, even when their “big feelings” are hard or uncomfortable for you to hear.
Fostering communication shows your child that their thoughts and feelings are important—that those thoughts matter in the world, and so does your child. Encouraging your child to express themself to you and to their other parent also shows them that they are not responsible for managing your feelings by concealing their own. Many children feel that they have to protect their parents from their own struggles; showing your child otherwise lifts a burden from their shoulders.
A key aspect of raising empowered children is teaching them to set good boundaries, including by example. Boundaries aren’t rules you make for other people; they are an awareness of what behavior you are, and are not, willing to tolerate. For a child, seeing a parent respectfully enforce boundaries can be very powerful.
For example, if your child (or someone else) is yelling at you, you have a choice to make. You can stand there and continue to accept mistreatment; you can begin yelling back, or you can recognize and enforce your boundary.
That might sound something like saying, “I’m not willing to speak to you when you’re yelling at me. I need to end this conversation; we can try again when you’re calm,” then ending the call or leaving the room. Showing your child how to enforce boundaries in a calm way sends the message that you are worthy of respect, and so are they.
It can be difficult to share time with your child, but spending time with both parents is essential for your child’s emotional growth. You and your co-parent have different perspectives, different strengths, and different interests. Being exposed to that shows your child that there is more than one way of doing and seeing things and helps them develop into a more well-rounded individual.
Spending time with an involved, caring father can strengthen a child’s self-esteem and show that a man can be loving and supportive; it’s one of the easiest ways for dads to empower children. Quality time with a father teaches a child that they are valuable and worthy of care, and that strong men are caring. This shows your child what to look for, and how to act, in their own future relationships.
Learning new skills can be hard, and many children struggle with perfectionism. If they are not able to do something well at first, they may give up without the right encouragement. Praising your child for persistence and pointing out growth helps them become resilient. When they understand that success may take effort and time, they are more likely to embrace challenges and see them as opportunities, not roadblocks.
After a divorce, some parents resort to “babying” their children—after all, they’ve been through a hard time. Other parents, in the absence of a partner at home, rely too heavily on their children. It’s important to walk a middle line between spoiling your child and burdening them.
Giving your child age-appropriate responsibilities and choices (like, perhaps, setting the table and having some input into menu planning) builds confidence. When you give a child a task, they see both that you have confidence in them, and that they can make meaningful contributions to the household.
Raising empowered children is so much easier when you and your co-parent are on the same page. If at all possible, discuss the values and skills you want to teach your child, and share strategies for doing so.
Teaching your child to be strong and giving them the tools they need to thrive takes effort, but it pays great dividends in their well-being now and in the future.
Family attorney Louise Livesay-Al has been helping families in the Twin Cities area create healthy environments for their children for over 20 years. If you have questions about raising empowered children and helping them navigate your divorce and the aftermath, please contact us online to schedule a consultation or call (651) 344-6100. We are available to meet in person or via Zoom, regardless of where you are in Minnesota.
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